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March, 2015 Issue

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Spanky's Back - Theory Weary

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I feel fortunate to have an abundance of close friends, each of whom I count as a blessing. Let me state upfront that I love the comic friend I'm working with this weekend, and don't want the following to sound like a diatribe behind her back, but spending a long drive with her can take a toll. Her CD player does not work, so we could not listen to the audio books I brought; instead I was forced to endure nine consecutive hours of conspiracy theories!

She is a total conspiracy freak to an insane degree (when I first met her she had lined the walls of her bedroom with foil to block out "the rays"). For example, I can't use my GPS because it allows the government to track us by satellite. As a result, yesterday we missed a turn and had a delay. Then I wanted to use my cell phone to get some information I needed to check in the hotel, and she rolled all the windows down to reduce the harmful electromagnetic rays that my phone emits that she said "are frying her." It was way too cold out to have the windows down, so I had the choice of freezing or turning the phone off. I understand her wanting to be healthy, but while she was telling me about the dangers of my phone she was smoking a cigarette!

Naturally it was an organic tobacco cigarette. She will not consume anything that is not 100% organic. Anything! Her dietary habits are so extreme that even if she finds a place that serves organic beverages, she can't drink them because of the harmful ice cubes. Despite it being only a three-day trip, she has filled the back of an SUV with the things she needs to live: special water filters, pots, pans, cups, plates, silverware, hotplate, coffee grinder, coffee press, and ice chests full of organic free range grass fed food (and organic ice).

Her political conspiracies are equally extreme. My friend apparently believes nothing bad has happened that our government was not fully responsible for, or rather, the select families that run our government and the world. Including: the bombing of the Oklahoma City Federal Building, the attacks on 9-11, the Sandy Hook school shootings, the movie theater massacre in Denver, the magazine attack in Paris, even Sonny Bono's death (she believes he was assassinated and it was made to look like a skiing accident because he was about to become a whistleblower and expose the secrets he learned as a Senator). Wait, it gets better. The government also has the power to control the weather, and create and direct hurricanes and tornadoes. They are spreading nanosized aluminum particles from airplanes so they can control the population by controlling their food source, making it necessary to only grow with their modified aluminum-resistant seeds. She also believes the government has hidden cameras and microphones in our televisions and computers to spy on us (but given the recent disclosures of the NSA practices, that one is not to difficult to believe).

Whenever she shares a theory I never argue or even express doubts. At one point she said "I'm sorry I'm so depressing." I wanted to tell her that the theories would only be depressing if I believed them, as it was they were just a bit annoying. However, some of her beliefs were so bizarre they were actually amusing, such as the Smithsonian has the bodies of actual giants they hide from the public, the Vatican and British Royal Family regularly practice ritual child sacrifice, there is a space alien base on the dark side of the moon, and there is a second sun behind ours that only appears every 27,000 years.

Not to say that all her theories are incorrect, but you mention anything, and I mean anything, and she has a conspiracy about it, which can get tiresome. Maybe you know someone who is a conspiracy freak? Maybe it is you? Before I am inundated with emails offering "proof" that any of the theories mentioned above are true, I want to state for the record: I'm not saying they are not. I am skeptical by nature, which means I question the official story, but I’m equally suspicious of those trying to disprove it. I seek the truth, but doubt anyone that claims they found it, because today you can pretty much find “proof” to support any theory on the internet. Good investigative journalism searches for truth, whatever that may be, regardless of what the final conclusion will end up being. A conspiracy theorist often comes up with a conclusion first, then works their way backwards picking and choosing facts that support their conclusion, and disregarding anything that might disprove it.

I believe in several things that run contrary to the official story. For example, I believe in UFOs. I simply think it would be arrogant for humans to believe we are the only life forms in the universe.

I do not blindly believe the powers that be are always moral and ethical; however, I do believe they are too incompetent to pull off the things she proposes and keep it under wraps. Guess my optimistic nature keeps me believing that most people, at their core, are good.

Of course, I may just be one of the sheep enslaved by the blood-drinking, flesh-eating, shape-shifting extraterrestrial reptilian humanoids which control our planet. I better Google that to make sure.

Steven Kent McFarlin (AKA "Spanky") has been described by the press as a "campus entertainment icon." He offers two great events at one great low price, and has been voted "Campus Comic of the Year" (LaffGuru.com) and the "Campus Performer of the Year" (TalkingAboutMyGeneration.com). His credits include over fifty TV appearances, including: Showtime, Good Morning America, and The Late Show. He is represented by GP Entertainment.